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  • Writer's pictureRachel Levy

I Haven't Been Seeing You

Inspired by Billie Holiday’s I’ll Be Seeing You

Listen first for best experience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDlKb2cBAqU


You’d never hear me were I to scream. 


That, I learned through experience:

you haven’t come running yet.


My loudest voice was stuck between my ears:

that's where I choked on your name.

Choked on the memory of you,

choked for the air you took away.


I had to accept 

that when I call for you, you don’t hear me.


I had to accept 

that just because I’m looking up at the moon, or

just because I’m feeling the breeze,

it doesn’t mean that you are too.


I may have thought I was seeing you

in all of those familiar places,

but I’m starting to think you haven’t been meeting me there:

at that feeling of the sun on my skin,

in front of the moonlit shadows on the wall.


I went to all of those places thinking you might be there:

to the moment right before sleep,

to the smell of rain coming in through a cracked window.


I search those places for you less frequently,

but sometimes still  

I can’t help but check to see if you might be there waiting for me.


Beneath the shade, half exposed to a patch of light;

deep in the note of a song.


These are the familiar places

where I hold onto the hope

that I’ll be seeing you.

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